What does a healthy relationship look like and how can you build one? Well, whoever said that honesty is the best policy was not wrong. Honesty is the key to any good long-lasting relationship. Couples need to be honest not only to each other but also in their commitment towards the relationship as well as themselves. Another reason why relationships don’t last is due to the lack of communication between partners.
This is a common problem mostly among married couples. Couples claim that they don’t have the time or the need to talk to each other. Little do they realize that if only they had spoken to each other about how they felt about a certain problem, a workable solution would have been reached? Couples in a relationship – either in the courting stage or married, need to find time to spend with each other, at least once in a way. There is nothing better than taking some time off and enjoying your partner’s company.
The biggest question in any relationship is this, “What am I looking for in this relationship? Often people talk about knowing what your needs are in a relationship. How do I as an individual differentiate what I need from a relationship versus what my thoughts as to how a relationship should be?” The answer too is pretty simple – be honest with yourself first. Once you are honest with yourself you will be able to tell the difference between delusion and reality.
Over time you will realize what you need is to be loved and to have nourishing relationships. If you accept that you have these certain basic needs then you will look and see how these needs are being met. The thoughts that you might have are just manifestations of how your needs are being met. You can move away from these thoughts by being honest and telling yourself “This is what I need right now”.
How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship
Now that we covered the question, “what does a healthy relationship look like?” we need to see what it is that destroys a relationship. Here are sure shot ways of how one can ruin a perfectly good relationship:
1. Indulging in Your Selfishness
There is no I in a relationship. It’s all about working together as a couple to overcome a situation or problem. It’s often too difficult for us to think about others first. So we simply don’t. For us it’s all about getting our needs met, our happiness, our sorrow, me me me. That’s what we need to come out of. The ‘Me’ syndrome. So if all that you think about in your relationship is yourself, be assured that things are going to be short-lived.
2. Justifying Unfaithfulness
“What they don’t know can hurt them” that’s what the biggest marital disaster can be summed up as. The thing to remember about unfaithfulness is that it is easy to slip into. Unfaithfulness doesn’t always have to equate to affairs. It comes in more subtle forms too. A crush on the neighbour across the street, casual flirtation, all may amount to unfaithfulness in a relationship. It is not okay for you to be unfaithful when committed. Would you tolerate the same behaviour from your partner?
3. Expecting It to Be Easy
In a relationship, you don’t have to go looking for trouble, it will come to you. The trials are inevitable. They occur when we are most unprepared for it and take us by surprise. So if you expected your relationship to be easy, you are in for the ride of your life. If you are looking for a way to completely sure shot way to ruin your relationship, assume that your relationship has no commitments and/or adjustments. Live in denial.
4. Pursue A “Quick Fix”
Building a good relationship takes time, effort and adjustment. Cut off this oxygen supply and the relationship is as good as dead. Many people think that their relationship is something that they don’t have to work on; it should come easy. So if you find yourself asking, “what does a healthy relationship look like?” remember, for your relationship to work, you need to take the time, put in the effort and adjust
If you see yourself in any of these situations it is a sign that your relationship is not going where you want it to. Get some help if the relationship means something to you and you want to make it work. Always remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work. If you feel that your relationship is not working out, probably you are not doing enough to make it work. It’s always better to correct yourself and analyze what you are doing wrong before putting the blame on the other person. Self-help is and always will be the best help.
He had been seeing her for a really long time. So long that he felt that she was ‘the one’. He was just gathering up the courage to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him when WHAM, she told him that she doesn’t love him anymore. He was shattered. Everything had been going well. He was still crazy about her. All that kept repeating in his head was that he wasn’t good enough for her. This eventually led him to suicide. He survived only to live the rest of his days alone and he never dated anyone after that. He was too afraid to.
Sounds familiar?? Did the same happen to you? Your best friend? Then you are not alone. Millions of people in the world suffer every day from the trauma of going through a broken relationship. The loss can be crushing. You feel you may never get past this phase of your life. You feel pain, you feel anger and disappointment. There is not only sadness in seeing someone who meant so much to you walk out that door, it’s even more disappointing to see him/her take all your hopes and dreams with them.
Breakups don’t always happen for the worse. Sometimes it’s better to break up with a person, for your own good.
How Do You Know When to Break Up?
It’s time to break up if:
- You are suffering from torture or abuse, be it physical or mental, at the hands of your partner/ spouse
- You feel your fundamentals and ideals don’t match with that of your partner.
- Your interests don’t match anymore and there are irreconcilable differences between you
Remember, what does a healthy relationship look like? The core of a good relationship lies in being compatible with each other. Being fundamentally incompatible is the most common reason for breaking up.
What Are the After Effects of a Breakup?
The most common after-effects of a break up are:
- Having an identity crisis
- Having difficulty trusting again
- Fear of Commitment
- Feeling Triggered
- Suicidal Tendencies
Grief and Stages of Grief
The grief of being dumped moves in different stages:
In the beginning, you may feel shocked, upset and numb. You may even go through stages of denial. It’s hard to believe that the relationship is over. Most people operate automatically as if nothing has changed. They operate normally and carry on with life although they know that the relationship is over. There may be times when you may try to get back together with the ex. A lot of people go through a stage where they hold themselves responsible for the breakup. They go through the “if only I had” or the “if only I didn’t “ phases. This stage of shock or disbelief is the body’s natural protection against pain
2. Anger/ Frustration
The second stage involves feeling anger, frustration and in some cases revenge. This stage is often the longest and hardest to get over. Some people don’t allow themselves to feel anything while others have trouble letting go of what they are feeling. It is important that you let go of all the negativity that is in you and move on.
The last stage of the relationship is when you accept that the relationship is over and that you are going to be okay. You regain some of your zest for life and begin to see a future ahead. In this acceptance stage, you have done a lot of thinking and you realize why the breakup actually did you good.
Breaking up is hard. Surviving one is harder. It is the only thing that seems permanent in this world of constant change. Grieve your loss fully but at the same time let yourself know that you won’t always feel this way. Remind yourself, “what does a healthy relationship look like?” and you will emerge out stronger.
Relationship Abuse & Domestic Violence
They were the perfect couple. Wherever they went they made heads turn. Everything was perfect in their lives. They were the answer to “what does a healthy relationship look like?” They had eyes only for each other. Until one day she came home screaming in pain. Her worried parents tried calming her down, but she wouldn’t stop screaming. Finally, she had to be sedated in order for her to calm down.
At the hospital, the shocked nurses and doctors discovered that the girl had been abused. Her body was covered with scratch marks, the skin purple and swollen at places. Upon regaining consciousness the girl confessed that she had been beaten up by her boyfriend, not once, not twice. She had been putting up with an abusive relationship for almost a year.
The question that ruined right at the top of the parent’s minds was: Why didn’t she leave him? Why was she still in the relationship, even after being abused for over a year? The reality is that there are many barriers to walking out of such a relationship. Not only are the recuperations of doing such a thing a serious issue, but there are also many factors that an abusive partner can use to prevent one from leaving him/ her; extreme cases being threats of murder or even suicide.
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